The year 2072 has been a roller-coaster ride for me. So many ups and downs, good decisions and bad decisions have helped me grow better and stronger as a person.
So many lessons learned.
Everything happened for the FIRST time. First hug, First kiss, first love, first …. Bla bla bla, if u think I was about to say these, you are WRONG!!
I was talking about the emotional roller-coaster ride.
It was an emotionally exhausting year. I went on an emotional roller-coaster ride. I was happy, I was sad, I was angry, I was frustrated, I was determined, I was anxious, I was confident, but at the same time I felt vulnerable. I wanted to love and be loved.
So, many unknown feelings I got to experience. Here are some major happenings of the year for me:
I lost my grandmother
I lost my grandmother exactly 46 days ago. I “hated” her, but I am already feeling her absence now. Neither she loved me, nor did I care about her much. She always wanted a grandson and, in return, I wanted a grandfather. So the harmony did not go well.
But, some 3-4 months ago, I could clearly notice and feel the changes in her behaviours. She had started to show concerns towards us (me and my sister), ask if we were hungry and wanted some food (though she was 90+ and could not prepare any food)…She even threw the money she had in her thaili (moneybag) at neighbour’s garden. She threw away the thing she would love and want to have the most—Money!
But the care and affection for mere 3-4 months could not fill the space that had been vacant for 21 long years. Later, my mother called me and said that she breathed her last. I hurriedly left the office for the home and saw her body lying at the yard. I did not have any courage to see her covered face.
Later, at Pashupati Aryaghat, they (neighbours and relatives) uncovered her face at the Brahmanaal for some rituals. I saw her face, it was the same. She still had that glow on her face, the fare complexion of hers. Then, I could not control myself and burst into tears. Maybe, the 3-4-month long care and affection burst out.
After few hours, I could see her body burning. I was not afraid to see the whole ritual of cremation. Fire had gulped her body. She was turning into ashes and I was sitting there watching everything. For a minute, I thought how ruthless I was; later I consoled myself saying that all that was happening was natural.
No one is born immortal. This is nature. Once born, everyone has to die. I had become really spiritual for those 4-5 hours. I thought about nature, ego, anger, anguish, hatred ….. everything.
I found peace there. The body of my grandmother was burning in front of my eyes. I guess her spirit may have fled with the smoke; toward heaven or hell, only the Almighty knows.
I also realised that ego, anger, greed, hatred, jealousy, negativity etc are all worthless. Thinking about all these, I found peace.
It is said that the Aryaghat is the most sacred place because all the negativities including ego, hatred, anger, jealousy etc turn into ashes and a sacred holy spirit flies to knock the heaven’s door. This gives a reality check to people.
I found PEACE at the Aryaghat that day. The peace I had never ever felt before. My mind was calm (other days, I wish I could switch off my brain). Everything was calm.
Later, after I came home, I could recall all those incidents. Then, I got frightened.
Now, I do miss some of her habits. We could not make noise or play music loudly while she was asleep, her being diabetic but sugar-craving, roaming around house all day etc.
May she rest in peace. And if she gets a new life somewhere/ gets re-born, I pray to god to give her a better heart next time!
May her departed soul rest in peace.
And the other major happening was “DEPRESSION”. I may sound ridiculous to you, but that is true. And, I am not ashamed to share this!
“How? Where? When? ”
“Depression and you are the two opposite poles. How can you suffer from depression?”
“Are you kidding me? Your blood pressure might have lowered. Have some jivanjal or salt-water.”
“What? Really? But how?”
“What went wrong? Tell me!”
These are some of the questions my sister and mom asked me when only I could clearly see symptoms of depression in me.
One fine morning, I felt very empty when I woke up. My mind was blank. I did not know what to do. I was restless. I wanted to cry, cry hard for no reason. At the same time, I was lazy. I did not want to get up from my bed. I wanted to lie there all day and do nothing.
And I had no idea what was wrong with me. I did not want to eat. (Well, my mom always shouts at me for sleeping till ‘almost’ afternoon.) But during that phase, I was like an insomniac acting like a maniac. LOL!
I hated everyone. I hated people around me. I did not want to talk to people. I wanted to be alone. Even when Nasana or Diwakar sir asked me something, I did not want to respond. Everyone asked me what was wrong, but I would nod my head and smile.
That fake smile! Oh god! Now, I realize how hard it is to fake a smile when you are actually going through a lot of emotional and psychological things. When my colleagues-cum-friends used to ask me to go for lunch with them, I always denied. Sometimes when my mood was okay, I used to go; but at other times, I sat there like a grumpy cat.
Once, I even thought of jumping off the window. .. FOR ONCE… ONLY ONCE!
I felt unwanted. I felt like “a crane standing amidst a flock of chickens”. I felt energetic for a moment and exhausted for the next.
Later, pretending that my friend needs help, I asked someone to suggest me some psychiatrists.
He asked everything related to the issue.
I pretended as if my friend had suffered from depression and she needed help. She did not want to bother her parents, so she wanted my help, so I wanted to help her. “Please help me!”
He doubted for a while, but later was convinced for some times.
(It is really hard for me to convince him. He notices everything, every behaviour/ change in behavior. It is really hard to lie him. Really good observant he is, I must say! 😀 )
Anyway, he referred me to a doctor. I requested him to take an appointment for my friend. He was so generous, he did. Later, he came to know it was not my friend, but me suffering! (Either he smells things very fast or I am really bad at lying, or both. 😀 )
Oh yeah! I even went to a general physician to convince my mom that I had depression. She did not believe me, so I had to go to the physician. She heard the word DEPRESSION from the doctor’s mouth. I showed a sign of relief, but she was more worried now.
On the last Sunday of February, I went to a psychiatrist for the first time (though people used to tell me I was weird/ crazy every time I cracked a joke and needed a psychiatrist. LOL haha).
The doctor was nice and polite with me unlike to his previous patient. He gave me three medicines for a month, but I only had it for 3 days and had to stop consuming it as it caused my palpitation to go faster.
So, I stopped consuming it.
I did not want medicine, so I thought of going for the YOGA. I thought if I did yoga every morning, I would be normal. I would be fine. Therefore, staying awake till 1 am, I downloaded some Youtube videos of Baba Ramdev doing some asanas. Then I was too lazy to wake up early morning to practice those asanas as shown in the video.
The only asana I knew was “Shavasana”, which, in my case, meant lying on the bed with a blanket wrapped around me during the chilly cold winter morning and falling asleep for a while! LOL. 😀 😀
Nothing was working. And, during that period, my grandmother had also been hospitalized. My mom stayed almost every night to care her and returned home every morning. This was like the daily routine which lasted for almost a month.
For around 5 days, I too stayed in the hospital and for next 5 days took rest at home. I had asked for the leave at office and they had granted me. (Thanks for that!)
One day at office, my boss scolded me for a mistake I had not done. It was actually done by my senior, but I had to get scolded. I was so frustrated. I was going through so much and now this? No! I was not interested in what my boss had to say. I wanted to scream; but at the same time, I was cautious of not losing my grip—I mean not shouting back/ screaming.
Then after couple of minutes, I got back to my normal routine. I was angry, but I still managed to do things.
Well, I normally do not share my problems with anyone. But I thought to share this ‘depression thing’ with one of my cousins. She narrated how her friend, she herself and some of the person whom she knew had suffered from depression. She actually wanted to help me, but I was, again, really not interested in what she had to say.
And, trust me guys, telling a depressed person “how many of your relative/ friends/ persons you know have had suffered from depression and how they coped up” really does not help. It is a big no-no to tell something like this to a depressed person. If you are reading this, do not ever say this to a depressed person—HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS/PEOPLE YOU KNOW HAD DEPRESSION AND HOW THEY MANAGED TO ESCAPE IT”, it is really annoying. [Instead, ask them what you can do to make them feel better and be by their side always]
Later after 7-8 months, I recuperated. I do not know how, but I said to myself, ”THIS IS IT.” No more suffering, no more pain. Better things are coming my way, and even if not, I will make everything better happen. I felt good, I felt better. I made Dubsmash videos, which gave me immense happiness. And then, this “grandmother” thing happened. Maybe that also helped me stick to my positive thinking.
Soon, this phase passed. I was even happier, even more excited, more positive about life, love, and everything that came my way. I became more confident. I believed in myself and could overcome this thing called DEPRESSION.
You may think this is the end. But, no honey, this is a new beginning, a new life, a new hope… LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. Work hard, dream big, achieve it…
I know you will not believe that you can, but life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows. This 22-year-old me is saying this to you! So, honey, go and achieve your dreams because life is too short to be sad about.
DEPRESSION has helped me rediscover myself.
A more confident, stronger and more positive person I have become. A person full of life and full of love.
I have bigger dreams, bigger challenges, and an urge, and a will to achieve all those things I ever dreamt of… I will have to work hard to achieve it and I will.
Overlook the negatives and focus on the positives. Change that negative into positive energy/vibe and conquer the WHOLE world!
YES YOU CAN!
Cheers! Believe in yourself and conquer the world.
And the third one,
Well, I cannot say much about this one. The only thing I can say is “JAI SHREE KRISHNA” and “THANK YOU” and …”……”. Ummm, let’s not spoil and mess up the whole thing here.. hehe.. Some words are better left unsaid (as said by Diwakar sir) 😀
Oh yeah! I also started to believe in 11:11 wishes, because if I would not, I would not have you 😉
AND OH YEAH!! I SURVIVED THE GORKHA EARTHQUAKE!!!
Now I am confused, whether to say good night or good morning because, it is already 3:05 AM.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2073 BS to all… Happy Nepali New Year to all.