Rising from the ashes

The Things We Leave Behind

The things we leave behind disappear from our lives — but not the world. This week, make one of them the centerpiece of your post.

*****

“Nothing in this world is permanent, every thing is temporary.  Even earth is temporary. Only SKY is permanent,” he had said once.

The whole line struck my mind seeing this topic.–

Standing near the window with a cup of coffee in hand, I try to feel the downpour. I see a green grassy field inside the compound of an army barrack. I find peace in the sound of rain.

I take a deep breathe.

All random things cross my mind; life, love, family, job, career, friendship… memories.

I feel Memories are the best thing we live with and leave behind. Happy ones and not-so-happy ones.

Enjoying the first sip of coffee, I recall some memories. So much has happened in these 22 years.

A 10-year-old normal happy-go-lucky child had lost her smile.

In the age, where kids of similar age get all the love and demands fulfilled, she had to go through a broken childhood and a broken family.

The age when fairy tales, white horse and dream of price charming seem real, this girl had to go through the worst reality and see the true colours of people. To her, fairy tales were all lies, neither prince charming existed nor they came riding a white horse..

All she had was a broken childhood, a faded smile, a broken family, worst relatives, the lost innocence (= not virginity but back-stabbed by so-called-own people).

10 years on, she has everything, The family that was broken due to ‘unwanted family politics’ has come together. She has a happy-go-lucky family, her parents and her sister. Her smile is back. She is showered with love and care. A very supportive family and lovely friends.  She is still working on her career. What more to ask for?

And, the Prince charming?? 🙂 He will find her someday 🙂

This is what I want to leave—happy memories, happy heart, twinkle in their eyes, a pleasant smile and a better world to live in —

Cheers!

 

{ https://dailypost.wordpress.com/discover-challenges/the-things-we-leave-behind/ }

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2072 BS: I rediscovered myself :)

2072 BS: I rediscovered myself :)

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The year 2072 has been a roller-coaster ride for me. So many ups and downs, good decisions and bad decisions have helped me grow better and stronger as a person.

So many lessons learned.

Everything happened for the FIRST time. First hug, First kiss, first love, first …. Bla bla bla, if u think I was about to say these, you are WRONG!!

LOL..

I was talking about the emotional roller-coaster ride.

It was an emotionally exhausting year. I went on an emotional roller-coaster ride. I was happy, I was sad, I was angry, I was frustrated, I was determined, I was anxious, I was confident, but at the same time I felt vulnerable. I wanted to love and be loved.

So, many unknown feelings I got to experience. Here are some major happenings of the year for me:

  1. I lost my grandmother

I lost my grandmother exactly 46 days ago. I “hated” her, but I am already feeling her absence now. Neither she loved me, nor did I care about her much. She always wanted a grandson and, in return, I wanted a grandfather.  So the harmony did not go well.

But, some 3-4 months ago, I could clearly notice and feel the changes in her behaviours. She had started to show concerns towards us (me and my sister), ask if we were hungry and wanted some food (though she was 90+ and could not prepare any food)…She even threw the money she had in her thaili (moneybag) at neighbour’s garden. She threw away the thing she would love and want to have the most—Money!

But the care and affection for mere 3-4 months could not fill the space that had been vacant for 21 long years. Later, my mother called me and said that she breathed her last. I hurriedly left the office for the home and saw her body lying at the yard. I did not have any courage to see her covered face.

Later, at Pashupati Aryaghat, they (neighbours and relatives) uncovered her face at the Brahmanaal for some rituals. I saw her face, it was the same. She still had that glow on her face, the fare complexion of hers. Then, I could not control myself and burst into tears. Maybe, the 3-4-month long care and affection burst out.

After few hours, I could see her body burning. I was not afraid to see the whole ritual of cremation. Fire had gulped her body. She was turning into ashes and I was sitting there watching everything. For a minute, I thought how ruthless I was; later I consoled myself saying that all that was happening was natural.

No one is born immortal. This is nature. Once born, everyone has to die. I had become really spiritual for those 4-5 hours. I thought about nature, ego, anger, anguish, hatred ….. everything.

I found peace there. The body of my grandmother was burning in front of my eyes. I guess her spirit may have fled with the smoke; toward heaven or hell, only the Almighty knows.

I also realised that ego, anger, greed, hatred, jealousy, negativity etc are all worthless. Thinking about all these, I found peace.

It is said that the Aryaghat is the most sacred place because all the negativities including ego, hatred, anger, jealousy etc turn into ashes and a sacred holy spirit flies to knock the heaven’s door.  This gives a reality check to people.

I found PEACE at the Aryaghat that day. The peace I had never ever felt before. My mind was calm (other days, I wish I could switch off my brain). Everything was calm.

pashupatinath-temple

Later, after I came home, I could recall all those incidents. Then, I got frightened.

Now, I do miss some of her habits. We could not make noise or play music loudly while she was asleep, her being diabetic but sugar-craving, roaming around house all day etc.

May she rest in peace. And if she gets a new life somewhere/ gets re-born, I pray to god to give her a better heart next time!

May her departed soul rest in peace.

****

And the other major happening was “DEPRESSION”. I may sound ridiculous to you, but that is true. And, I am not ashamed to share this!

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2. DEPRESSION!

“How? Where? When? ”

“Depression and you are the two opposite poles. How can you suffer from depression?”

“Are you kidding me? Your blood pressure might have lowered. Have some jivanjal or salt-water.”

“What? Really? But how?”

“What went wrong? Tell me!”

These are some of the questions my sister and mom asked me when only I could clearly see symptoms of depression in me.

One fine morning, I felt very empty when I woke up. My mind was blank. I did not know what to do. I was restless. I wanted to cry, cry hard for no reason. At the same time, I was lazy. I did not want to get up from my bed. I wanted to lie there all day and do nothing.

And I had no idea what was wrong with me. I did not want to eat.  (Well, my mom always shouts at me for sleeping till ‘almost’ afternoon.)  But during that phase, I was like an insomniac acting like a maniac. LOL!

I hated everyone. I hated people around me.  I did not want to talk to people. I wanted to be alone. Even when Nasana or Diwakar sir asked me something, I did not want to respond. Everyone asked me what was wrong, but I would nod my head and smile.

That fake smile! Oh god! Now, I realize how hard it is to fake a smile when you are actually going through a lot of emotional and psychological things. When my colleagues-cum-friends used to ask me to go for lunch with them, I always denied. Sometimes when my mood was okay, I used to go; but at other times, I sat there like a grumpy cat.

Once, I even thought of jumping off the window. .. FOR ONCE…  ONLY ONCE!

I felt unwanted. I felt like “a crane standing amidst a flock of chickens”. I felt energetic for a moment and exhausted for the next.

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Later, pretending that my friend needs help, I asked someone to suggest me some psychiatrists.

He asked everything related to the issue.

I pretended as if my friend had suffered from depression and she needed help. She did not want to bother her parents, so she wanted my help, so I wanted to help her. “Please help me!”

He doubted for a while, but later was convinced for some times.

(It is really hard for me to convince him. He notices everything, every behaviour/ change in behavior. It is really hard to lie him. Really good observant he is, I must say!  😀 )

Anyway, he referred me to a doctor. I requested him to take an appointment for my friend. He was so generous, he did. Later, he came to know it was not my friend, but me suffering! (Either he smells things very fast or I am really bad at lying, or both. 😀  )

Oh yeah!  I even went to a general physician to convince my mom that I had depression. She did not believe me, so I had to go to the physician. She heard the word DEPRESSION from the doctor’s mouth. I showed a sign of relief, but she was more worried now.

On the last Sunday of February, I went to a psychiatrist for the first time (though people used to tell me I was weird/ crazy every time I cracked a joke and needed a psychiatrist. LOL haha).

The doctor was nice and polite with me unlike to his previous patient. He gave me three medicines for a month, but I only had it for 3 days and had to stop consuming it as it caused my palpitation to go faster.

So, I stopped consuming it.

I did not want medicine, so I thought of going for the YOGA.  I thought if I did yoga every morning, I would be normal. I would be fine. Therefore, staying awake till 1 am, I downloaded some Youtube videos of Baba Ramdev doing some asanas. Then I was too lazy to wake up early morning to practice those asanas as shown in the video.

The only asana I knew was “Shavasana”, which, in my case, meant lying on the bed with a blanket wrapped around me during the chilly cold winter morning and falling asleep for a while! LOL. 😀 😀

Nothing was working. And, during that period, my grandmother had also been hospitalized. My mom stayed almost every night to care her and returned home every morning. This was like the daily routine which lasted for almost a month.

For around 5 days, I too stayed in the hospital and for next 5 days took rest at home. I had asked for the leave at office and they had granted me.  (Thanks for that!)

One day at office, my boss scolded me for a mistake I had not done. It was actually done by my senior, but I had to get scolded. I was so frustrated. I was going through so much and now this? No! I was not interested in what my boss had to say. I wanted to scream; but at the same time, I was cautious of not losing my grip—I mean not shouting back/ screaming.

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Then after couple of minutes, I got back to my normal routine. I was angry, but I still managed to do things.

Well, I normally do not share my problems with anyone. But I thought to share this ‘depression thing’ with one of my cousins. She narrated how her friend, she herself and some of the person whom she knew had suffered from depression. She actually wanted to help me, but I was, again, really not interested in what she had to say.

And, trust me guys, telling a depressed person “how many of your relative/ friends/ persons you know have had suffered from depression and how they coped up” really does not help. It is a big no-no to tell something like this to a depressed person. If you are reading this, do not ever say this to a depressed person—HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS/PEOPLE YOU KNOW HAD DEPRESSION AND HOW THEY MANAGED TO ESCAPE IT”, it is really annoying. [Instead, ask them what you can do to make them feel better and be by their side always]

Later after 7-8 months, I recuperated. I do not know how, but I said to myself, ”THIS IS IT.”  No more suffering, no more pain. Better things are coming my way, and even if not, I will make everything better happen. I felt good, I felt better. I made Dubsmash videos, which gave me immense happiness.  And then, this “grandmother” thing happened. Maybe that also helped me stick to my positive thinking.

Think Positive

Soon, this phase passed. I was even happier, even more excited, more positive about life, love, and everything that came my way.  I became more confident. I believed in myself and could overcome this thing called DEPRESSION.

You may think this is the end. But, no honey, this is a new beginning, a new life, a new hope… LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. Work hard, dream big, achieve it…

I know you will not believe that you can, but life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows. This 22-year-old me is saying this to you! So, honey, go and achieve your dreams because life is too short to be sad about.

DEPRESSION has helped me rediscover myself.

A more confident, stronger and more positive person I have become. A person full of life and full of love.

I have bigger dreams, bigger challenges, and an urge, and a will to achieve all those things I ever dreamt of… I will have to work hard to achieve it and I will.

RE-discover yourself.

Overlook the negatives and focus on the positives. Change that negative into positive energy/vibe and conquer the WHOLE world!

YES YOU CAN!

Cheers!  Believe in yourself and conquer the world.

***

And the third one,

Well, I cannot say much about this one. The only thing I can say is “JAI SHREE KRISHNA” and “THANK YOU” and …”……”. Ummm,  let’s not spoil and mess up the whole thing here..  hehe.. Some words are better left unsaid (as said by Diwakar sir) 😀

Oh yeah! I also started to believe in 11:11 wishes, because if I would not, I would not have you 😉

AND OH YEAH!! I SURVIVED THE GORKHA EARTHQUAKE!!!

Now I am confused, whether to say good night or good morning because, it is already 3:05 AM.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2073 BS to all… Happy Nepali New Year to all.

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I Dream of You…

I Dream of You…

 

I dream..

I dream of you holding my hand,

Together we walk in a far-far land

I dream of you holding my hand..

 

On a breezy night, together we lie,

“Look! shooting star”, I scream, we gaze at the sky

Let’s make a wish I say and close my eyes

You smile at my childishness and hug me tight

“You’re my all wish come true baby,” u say I sigh!

We found each other, the destiny had planned

Together we walk in a far-far land

 

 

You hold me  into your arms,

(to be contd.)

 

 

मेरो विदा कटाउने मेसो …

जाँच पछीको विदा कसरी कटाउने होला भनेर सोच्दै थिए । कुनै साहित्यकारको रचना पढ्नुपर्ला भन्ने सोचेँ ।

म काम गर्ने office मा एकजना सर हुनुहुन्छ, अर्कै डिपार्टमेन्टको, तर साह्रै मज्जाको मान्छे हुनुहुन्छ । वहाँ फेरी धेरै किताब पढ्ने! हेर्दै पनि थाहा हुन्छ त्यो त! 😀 अनि एकदिन राम्रो- राम्रो किताब ल्याइदिनुहोस् न भनेँ । ल्याइदिनु पनि भयो । मलाई मनपर्ने English writer O Henry ले लेखेक short stories हरु । मज्जाको लाग्यो कथाहरु । स्कूल मा हुँदा English book ‘Gulmohar’ मा पढेका थियौँ O Henry को कथाहरु । तर १०० वटा कथाहरु सब पढेँ ।

अब अरु कुनै किताब पढ्नुपर्‍यो भन्ने लागेर आफैले हरिवंश आचार्यद्वारा लिखित ‘चिना हराएको मान्छे’ किनेँ ।
मैले आफैले कमाएको पैसाले किनेको पहिलो किताब । पढ्दै गएको, धेरै सङ्घर्ष गर्नुभएको रहेछ हरिवंश आचार्यले । हुन त म “Struggle is investment” भन्छु । भर्खर त २० बर्षको भएँ तैपनी धेरै कुराहरु भोगेकी छु । मान्छेहरु कती सम्मका गएगुज्रेक हुन्छन नि देखेको छु ।मान्छेहरु कती सम्मका गयगुज्रेका हुन्छन् नि देखेको छु ।मान्छेहरु कती सम्मका गयगुज्रेका हुन्छन् नि देखेको छु । आफैले त्यस्तो ठूलो सङ्घर्ष न गरे पनि, बाबा-मम्मिले गर्नुभएको सङ्घर्ष देखेकी छु ।२० बर्षको मात्रै भएँ तर दुनियाँ कती निर्दयी छ  देखेकी छु ; देख्ने क्रममा छु । पहिले त मान्छेहरुले केहि भने पनि मनमा लिएर बस्थेँ, साह्रै चित्त दुख्थ्यो । आज-कल त बानी भैसक्यो । कसैले केहि भन्यो भने पनि एउटा कानले सुन्छु, अनि अर्को कानले उडाइदिन्छु । भगवानले  दुइवटा कान त्यसैले त बनाइदिनुभएको नि!!! हाहा…

अनि किताब पढ्दै जाँदा, रङमञ्चको  धेरै प्रसँगहरु रहेछ । अनि यसो सोचेको त । नाटकमा  भाग नलिएको त ५ बर्ष भइसकेछ ।  हुन त म ECA activities हरुमा जहिले भाग लिन्थेँ । नाटक, नृत्यहरु  त झन्  कहिल्यै नि छुटाउदिन थिएँ । १० कक्षामा हुँदा भाग लिएको नाटक नै अन्तिम नाटक जस्तै भयो । अनि हाई-स्कूल्मा त नाटक प्रतियोगिता नै भएन । ‘नेपाल आमा’ थियो त्यो नाटकको शिर्षक । तर हामीभन्दा senior batch हरुले 1st prize जीते । कक्षामा ४ देखिनै हाम्रो नाटक जहिले प्रथम हुन्थ्यो ।  झन् त्यो last year  थियो स्कुलमा, दोस्रो भयौँ ।  प्रथम पुरस्कार लिइरहने बानी बसिसकेको हामीलाई , दोश्रो पुरस्कार पाउँदा त कस्तो-कस्तो लाग्यो । हामी भन्दा senior batch हरुले, teacher हरुको classroom मा  आउँदा खेरी को हाउभाउ, पढाउदा खेरी को नक्कल, mimicry गरेर सबलाई हँसाएका थिए, मलाई पनि खुब रमाइलो लागेको थियो त्यो नाटक त । झन् त्यो last year  थियो स्कुलमा, दोस्रो भयौँ ।  प्रथम पुरस्कार लिइरहने बानी बसिसकेको हामीलाई , दोश्रो पुरस्कार पाउँदा त कस्तो-कस्तो लाग्यो । हामी भन्दा senior batch हरुले, teacher हरुको classroom म आउँदा खेरी को हाउभाउ, पढाउदा खेरी को नक्कल, mimicry गरेर सबलाई हँसाएका थिए, मलाई पनि खुब रमाइलो लागेको थियो त्यो नाटक त । त्यस पछी त नाटकमा भाग लिने अवसर पाएको छैन ।

कस्तो रमाइलो हुन्थ्यो । अहिले सम्झँदा कस्तो nostalgic  भइन्छ । हाम्रो त एउटा group नै थियो नाटक प्रतियोगिता कहिले नि न छुटाउनेहरुको । रीनाको घर स्कुल नजिकै थियो । अनि रेनुका, पुनम , म अनि रीना भएर नाटकको script लेख्थ्यौँ  । म चाहिँ  script सुनेर अलि- अलि suggestion मात्र दिन्थेँ । कहिले-काहिँ हाम्रो English sir, महेश आचार्य, सँग सल्लाह माग्थ्यौँ । अनि यस्तो-यस्तो गर भनिदिनुहुन्थ्यो ।  कक्षा ५,६,७  त महेश सरले नै script  लेखिदिएर, rehearse गर्न लगाउनु हुन्थ्यो आफ्नै आँखा अगाडी ।  तर फेरी सरले script लेखिदिनुभएर मात्रै हामी first भएको चाहिँ होइन है!! सबको उत्तिकै योगदान हुन्थ्यो ।  तर महेश सरले लेखिदिनुभएको script चाहिँ साह्रै राम्रो हुन्थ्यो । यसरी script तयार भएपछी पात्रहरु छन्नुपर्थ्यो । हामी ४ जनाको (रेनुका, रीना, पुनम अनि मेरो) चाहिँ नसोधी नाम लेखिदिन्थे, हामी कहिल्यै नि नाइ नभन्ने भएकोले होला!

रीनाको घरको छत मलाई साह्रै मनपर्थ्यो । ६ तल्ला माथी यस्तो राम्रो सररर हावा चल्थ्यो । अनि म चाहिँ अरु भन्दा अलि चाँडो गएर त्यही छत मा बस्थेँ ।  कहिले काहिँ फिल्म का हिरोईनहरुले फिल्म मा shiffon को सारी लगाएर, दुपट्टा (सल्) उदाउदै नाचेको जस्तो गरी नाच्थेँ । ६ तल्ला माथि छत थियो, कसैको ध्यान नि हुँदैनथ्यो त्यती माथि  । नत्र त कहाँ अरुले देख्ने ठाँउ म त्यसरी नाच्नु ? ? म त साह्रै लजालु छु नि!!!   😀

अनि पछी अरु नि आउँथे अनि सबैजना जम्मा भए पछी rehearse गर्थ्यौ । अलि सानो class (4-5 class) तिर हुँदा त मेरो कपाल छोटो भएकोले होला मलाई बुवाको रोले दिन्थे । आवाज भारी बनाएर  dialogue भन्दा आफैलाई हाँस उठ्थ्यो । अनि सब मरि-मरी हस्थ्यौँ । अहिले सम्झँदा नि हाँसो उठ्छ । अनि पछी अरु नि आउँथे अनि सबैजना जम्मा भए पछी reherse गर्थ्यौ । अलि सानो class (4-5 class) तिर हुँदा त मेरो कपाल छोटो भएकोले होला मलाई बुवाको रोले दिन्थे ।  class 9 मा हुँदा त मलाई फेरी बुवाको रोले दिएन् । पछी कुरो बुझ्दै जाँदा त अरु कसैले नि बुवाको भूमिका गर्दिन भनेछन् अनि मलाई दिएका रहेछन्, म defend गर्न नसक्ने भएर होला । बाठा थिए मेरा साथीहरु…

हाहा । अनि अनुमिकको घरमा practice गर्दा त उसको मम्मी पनि हाँस्नुभयो । मलाई त कस्तो लाज लाग्यो । आवाज भारी बनाएर बुवाको भूमिका गर्दा । रिस पनि उठ्यो । गर्दिन भनेँ तर साथीहरु मानेनन् । तर धन्न त्यो दिन आन्दोलनले गर्दा स्कूल विदा भयो अनि हाम्रो नाटक भएन । पैसा पनि हुँदैनथ्यो  त्यतिखेर । तापनी “हे परमेश्वोरी , मुरी -मुरी धन्यवाद” भन्दै २ वटा चकलेट चढाएँ भागवानलाई धन्यवाद स्वरुप..

अहिले त्यो सब सम्झँदा कस्तो रमाइलो लाग्छ । कस्तो रमाइलो थिए ती दिनहरु । अहिले नि हामी साथि-भाइहरु facebook मा भेट्दा, कती कुरा गर्छौ ।  

Radha-Krishna forever

Radha-Krishna forever

Krishna asked to Radha —
Tell me where I am not exist?

Radha Smiled and said
You are not in my destiny,

Then Radha asked to Krishna –
Why our marriage not happened?

Krishna Smiled and replied –
For marriage need two person

And we are one.

rk

[PS: someone had shared on social networking site…….thought to share]

Craze for photography

After a cold and cloudy weather in the day, finally, we got to see this picturesque view in the evening. And, I couldn’t stop myself from clicking these pics from the parking area of THT  (from kokila didi’s iphone ). I wish I had captured this scene from the terrace. It would look awesome but I guess, this one is also not bad. What say guys?

1)

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2)

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3)

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4)

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5)

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(PS: Someone please gift me cam. on my birthday. ha ha.. just kidding. 😉  Anyways, thanks to Kokila di for letting me use her phone).

 

 

 

For God’s sake it’s not ‘laatoh ko bhaasha’

There is only one language that I have learnt other than Nepali since childhood. And that’s Sign Language. It’s my dad who taught me to talk using signs. I love learning different languages. Even on facebook and twitter, I have some friends who teach me their mother tongue & secondary language. I have (only) learnt to say “hi-hello” in gujrati, marathi, bengali, urdu and punjabi so far. :D…haha… I’m still learning.

Sign language is all about practice. I haven’t become perfect yet as I’m still learning.  So, practice, practice and practice….  For me, learning A, B, C, D in sign was much easier than learning Nepali alphabets (Nepali Varnamala– A, Aa, E, E, Ka, Kha, Ga). Well, that doesn’t mean you can’t learn. You can! But that depends on how fast you catch the words. It took me almost one week to get those Varnamalas.

Sometimes, my sister and me used to talk in sign language whne we had to share a secret so that others around us wouldn’t understand. And, if teachers were around and we had something very important to share, we talked in sign.  So, we have lots of memories.

Wanna learn sign language?  Ok then, let’s start with A, B, C, D……. I thought I’ll post a video but most were protected by copyright, so I posted this picture. Hope it will help you.

aslbet