It was not meant-to-be, I guess

It was not meant-to-be, I guess

Disclaimer: I am no relationship expert. This is solely based on my experience. Also, I have just started writing so kindly excuse the grammar ☺

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He was the only male figure in my life, besides my dad. The only male I had ever trusted other than my dad. I do have cousins but none are really close to me. I had never dated anyone. I have never had any boyfriend because I thought these feelings would distract me from my track. I had an invisible wall built around me and everyone knew that they should not cross it. I was happy in my own world.

*CUT TO FOUR YEARS AGO*

One fine day, I met him. Despite trying so hard to maintain distance and mind my own business, I would get pulled towards him. Just how magnet pulls iron! And that butterflies-in-tummy- kinda feeling, the skipping of heartbeat. Phew! Oh good lord! Do you know this feeling? Can you relate to what I am trying to say? Even bodi ko tarkari tastes yum when you are head over heels in love. Everything felt so beautiful back then. I used to forget all the bad memories from the past when I was with him. I was happy as the feeling was so new to me.

Boyfriend And Girlfriend Cartoon Sketches 1000+ Images About Relationships On Pinterest | Remember This

*CUT TO FEW YEARS LATER*

The three-year-long “relationship” ended. We parted ways. I was standing at the crossroad for five fucking months hoping for things to get sorted and him to return. While typing this I remembered how I used to cry for days missing him. ‘effin hell.

Then, I finally realised I was no longer a part of his life (and vice versa). I finally accepted the fact, collect the shattered pieces and moved on. It took me one year to get over him. ONE. ‘EFFIN. YEAR.

Oh god, I remember (while typing this) how I used to listen to ‘devdas-level’ sad songs. I laugh about it now but, the feeling was suffocating back then.

Chillax guys. That was just a phase in my life ☺☻

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While going through all these, I learned five important lessons. I want to share it with you. The points can be interrelated though.

Let’s start from the basic:

  1. Communication is the key. Relationships flourish through communication. Most of the time we assume our partner knows everything about the relationship and the feeling. But honey, you are wrong! He is no ‘antaryami’ to read your mind. So, stop assuming everything like an Economics student, and have a proper conversation. Just speak your mind. Else you will be keeping your partner in the loop. Having a conversation is important, but what is also equally important is listening.

Dear men, why are you ignorant about text messages?? Oh gosh! That’s so annoying.

Do develop the habit of replying to text messages. And, if you have something important to tell to your partner or have any doubt, talk to him/her in person.

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  1. Transparency helps sustain your relationship in the long-run. It feels so annoying when you do not know what the other person actually feels/thinks about you. This might make you vulnerable but, LACK OF TRANSPARENCY makes us insecure and we end up being indecisive about the relationship. So, just tell the other person what you think, how you feel, and stuff like that.

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  1. Where do you stand in his life? This is one of the most important questions you need to ask yourself. Do you feel prioritised in the relationship? When the bond starts growing gradually, it is really important to know where you stand in his life. Guys, stop giving mixed signals. Either you are into him/her or you are not.

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  1. You are no longer a secret. When someone truly loves you, he is not hesitant about mentioning you to (at least) one of his closest persons. That person can be sibling, cousin, best friend, or even mother/father. But, he does tell about you to one of his closest persons.

Do not lose faith in love. Sometimes it is necessary to hit the rock bottom to start anew. But, no matter what do not lost your faith in love. Better days are ahead.

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Dear 2018, surprise me ☺♥

Dear 2018, surprise me ☺♥

Dear 2018 Yayy, 2018 is finally here. Happy New Year to all of you and Happy ‘Tithi wala’ Birthday to me 😉

I don’t know about you guys, but I am super excited to know what 2018 holds for me. Well, I have skipped the year 2017 in my head. If I have to narrate it like a daily soap queen, I would say I was in coma for the whole year (not literally though) and I just woke up this morning to welcome the year with open arms.

***

I have always underestimated myself. So, this year I will believe in myself and my dreams. Someone just recently told me that never think you are any less than anyone. Everybody is special and so are you. So, everyday I stand in front of the mirror and say “I am no less than a magic’ just to build up my confidence 😀

***

As always, I have made a few list of the things I will definitely do in 2018. Spreading smile and positivity is my main agenda this year.

Let’s get started:

solo 1. Go on a solo trip If you know me, I am always surrounded by friends or family. I always have at least one person by my side because I can’t stay alone, I can’t go anywhere alone if I am not used to the place and ambiance. I get scared. That’s me. But this year, I have challenged this shy and reserved person in me and decide to go out of my comfort zone and go on a solo trip. Yayy!

places 2. Visit at least 5 new places This year I will visit at least five different places of Nepal. Pokhara tops the chart here 😀

YTLogo_old_new_animation.0 3. Start my own Youtube channel I have been thinking of starting my own channel for quite sometime now. I already have five scripts ready but I was just too lazy to shoot. This year I will definitely convert those scripts into a comic video 😀

opinion 4. Be vocal about my opinions Owing to misunderstanding, last year I had to face a lot of issues that I unintentionally said. What the heck! This year I will be very much vocal about my opinion & spread positivity.

katthak 5. Join a dance class That’s the only thing I am passionate about. Everytime I see someone dance so perfectly well on TV, I get jealous. I feel like crying when I cannot dance 😦 So, this year I will join a dance class. KATTHAK class probably.

[PS: If you guys know any good institutes please suggest 🙂 ]

makeup 6. Learn how to apply makeup Believe it or not, the last time I had applied a proper makeup with the foundation, concealer, eyeliner, kajal, blush, lipstick, …. was for my performance at a Parent’s Day event in school in Grade 4. Yes, that’s true. I still don’t know my skin shade for the perfect foundation. I still don’t know how to apply lipstick because I really don’t know where my lip ends and skin starts. But, I have finally learnt how to apply a pencil eyeliner after washing my face five times every minute though.

language 7. Lean a new language One language is never enough, they say. This year I will learn a new language. French/ Spanish/ German/ … I don’t know but I will.

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8. Get a tattoo

I have been thinking of doing this for long but have not been able to gather the courage. This year I will get my arm tattooed. 🙂

9. Get a new hair cut & hair colour

This is something I will definitely do in 2018.

10. Family outing every month We have decided to go out for either lunch or brunch or dinner at least once a month. This is actually a selfish wish because I will get time to spend with my family 🙂 That’s why *cheers*

shopping 11. Buy something worthwhile every 3 months This is something I want to do every time my salary gets credited but I spend all my money on food. I am a big time foodie 😀 So, this time I will at least buy something worthwhile 😉

DIY 12. Learn a new DIY every month People say I am creative but I feel I am good for nothing. Ooops, sorry. I had promised myself I will not underestimate myself. So, to serve my mind, I have decided to learn a new DIY every month.

stepoutcomfortzone-5675dff78623bd68048b4569 13. Step out of my comfort zone Now that’s a challenge. 😀

comfort zone Btw, will I find love this year? ummmmm, I doubt 😀

Lauuuu

So that’s about it. I wish you all a very happy new year. Thank you for reading this. I wish u have a great super awesome rocking year ahead.

Tatazzz for now.

Spread smile 🙂

2017 was #NotMyYear

If only I could make a movie on ‘My 2017’, it would have been a full on bollywood dramatic masala film, no less than that of Ekta Kapoor’s serial. I swear. Why is my life so dramatic? Why can’t I have a regular NORMAL day in my life?

2017 was crazy; #NotMyYear I would say. So much pain, suffering, misunderstandings, heartbreaks, broken friendships… and what not! Not even in my weirdest dream had I thought I would hurt people so much! 😥

Both personally and professionally, it was not my year. Though, THT Online happened to me, it has its own story. Let’s not rant the whole story now cause I want to remove it from my harddisk now.

I will forever remember the year 2017 as so many lessons learnt! Also, one major major learning was अफिस भन्ने चिज कहिल्यै पनि आफ्नो हुँदैन

यति भन्दै आफ्ना दुई शब्द यहीँ टुङ्ग्याउँछु।

धन्यवाद!

The ‘Nepal Yatayat’ सफर

One gets to travel in every sex position in Nepal Yatayat. I wonder why the bus is always so crowded. 

I wish Kamadev would travel in Yatayat someday.
Instead of some thousands of positions, the deities would immediately increase the number to almost triple of what they had discovered then; just by observing the ‘hanging’ crowd and annoyed seated ones.

Sometimes I think, even if a vehicle company makes a ‘YATAYAT’ bus with length x width x height = 1,47,181 sq km, some 5/6 people would still be hanging at the entrance.

So today, after my office was over, I reached the Anamnagar chok and waited for the Yatayat to arrive. After 5 minutes, a bus stopped in front of me and luckily, nobody was hanging at the door.

I breathed a sigh of relief and got on the bus. It was still crowded. Do you know who are the luckiest people on Earth? No? Well, the ones who get a seat in the crowded Yatayat. And, I was never one of them 😀
The bus had just moved few seconds when 4/5 men got in.

Here in Nepal, we don’t have ‘bus station’. You never need one. Why? Because the bus driver stops the vehicle whenever you stretch your hand forward (and shake sometimes 😀 ).
So, one of those men stood beside me and the other one with his bag stood facing the opposite direction. I could feel his keyring (hung in the bag ) poking the back of my neck but didn’t bother.

I am the kind of person who hates even the edge of a cleanly ironed Men’s shirt poking me. No, no. I am not a lesbo (#noOffence , with all due respect to the LGBT community). It’s just that I have a really bad impression on men since childhood. I don’t trust them easily!

So, these four/five men got in. The situation was like that of gundruk khaadeko. One’s elbow was leaning on my left shoulder. The other’s was poking my right ears. I was pisses off but chose to say nothing.  And then there was this woman, who seemed to be in her late 40s. The side of my bag was ruining her hairdo. So she was constantly pushing my bag and looking at me with all the fireballs in her eyes. 

(ps: This is not related to abuse)

(Contd. )

💕 Kaash… 💕

This big bright Moon shining outside my balcony is making me nostalgic. I will forever cherish the memories 😊 Straight from my ❤

👇 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕 👇

Kaash yeh waqt yehi ruk jaaye, yeh lamha yehi theher jaaye

Main samaa jaaun tujhme, tu mujhme samaa jaaye,


Na koi laqeer ho na koi deewar

Na koi umeed ho na koi sawaal

Main dekhu teri aakho main, 

aur saasain tham jaaye

Kaash yeh waqt yehi ruk jaaye

Main samaa jaaun tujhme, tu mujhme samaa jaaye … 💕

मैले बुझेको “औकात अनुसारको सपना “

मैले बुझेको “औकात अनुसारको सपना “

“औकात अनुसारको सपना देख्नुपर्छ”, भन्ने जतिको नराम्रो ‘ज्ञान’ मलाई संसारमा केहि लाग्दैन । यो भन्ने मान्छे भेटेको भए त म मज्जाले भाषण नै सुनाउथेँ होला ।

मैले बुझेको ‘औकात अनुसारको सपना’ भनेको त , कुनै मानिस / जनावरलाई सिमित लम्बाइको “औकात” नामक सिक्रीले बाँधेर, “ल जा, जे जे गर्नु छ गर्, उड्नु छ भने उड् , जे गर्नु छ गर” भनेर छोडीदिनु जस्तै हो । जति पंख फिँजाएर उड्न खोजे पनि, जति अगाडी बढ्न खोजे पनि त्यो “औकात” नामको सिक्रीले एउटा सिमित घेरा भन्दा बाहिर जान दिँदैन ; पंख फिजाएर उड्न दिँदैन , सागर सरि बग्न दिँदैन, हावाको वेग छल्दै कुद््न दिँदैन, न अगाडी बढ्न दिन्छ ।

मैले Forbes magazine ले समेत बिश्वको सबै भन्दा धनी व्यक्तिको सुचीमा रखेको,  विनोद चौधरीको आत्मवृतान्त पढेकी थिएँ ।

खै कुन चाहिँ पाँच तारे होटेल अगाडी उभिएर, “यो होटेल भित्रबाट कस्तो होला,” भन्दै त्यहाँ छिर्ने सपना बोक्थे रे! अहिले उनी त्यही पाँच तारे होटेलका शेयर धनी हुन्;  अरबौँमा खेल्छन् ।

वहाँ त एउटा मात्र उदाहरण हुन्  यस्ता थुप्रै हस्ती हरु हुनुहुन्छ जो Rags to Riches मा पर्नुहुन्छ ।

Bill Gates, J K Rowling, … अरु पनि थुप्रै हुनुहुन्छ । अनी मेरो  favourite Oprah Winfrey  पनि!

तर फेरी ‘सपनामा लगाम नलगाऊ’ भन्नुको अर्थ चाहिँ ‘खुल्ला छोडेको साँढे’ जस्तो हुने भनेको चाहिँ हैन है! यसको मतलब यो पनि हैन कि नराम्रो काम नै गर्नु पर्छ आफ्नो जिवन सुधार्न।  राम्रो काम गर तर सपनाको कुनै सिमा नराख ।  Never set boundaries for your dreams.

The worst phase: DEPRESSION!

The worst phase: DEPRESSION!

LetYourselfFly

“How? Where? When? ”

“Depression and you are the two opposite poles. How can you suffer from depression?”

“Are you kidding me? Your blood pressure might have lowered. Have some jivanjal or salt-water.”

“What? Really? But how?”

“What went wrong? Tell me!”

These are some of the questions my sister and mom asked me when only I could clearly see symptoms of depression in me.

One fine morning, I felt very empty when I woke up. My mind was blank. I did not know what to do. I was restless. I wanted to cry, cry hard for no reason. At the same time, I was lazy. I did not want to get up from my bed. I wanted to lie there all day and do nothing.

And I had no idea what was wrong with me. I did not want to eat.  (Well, my mom always shouts at me for sleeping till ‘almost’ afternoon.)  But during that phase, I was like an insomniac acting like a maniac. LOL!

I hated everyone. I hated people around me.  I did not want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be alone. Even when Nasana or Diwakar sir asked me something, I did not respond. Everyone asked me what was wrong, but I would nod my head and smile.

That fake smile! Oh god! Now, I realize how hard it is to fake a smile when you are actually going through a lot of emotional and psychological things. When my colleagues-cum-friends used to ask me to go for lunch with them, I always denied. Sometimes when my mood was okay, I used to go; but at other times, I sat there like a grumpy cat.

Once, I even thought of jumping off the window. .. FOR ONCE…  ONLY ONCE!

I felt unwanted. I felt like “a crane standing amidst a flock of chickens”. I felt energetic for a moment and exhausted for the next.

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Later, pretending that my friend needs help, I asked someone to suggest me some psychiatrists.

He asked everything related to the issue.

I pretended as if my friend had suffered from depression and she needed help. She did not want to bother her parents, so she wanted my help, so I wanted to help her. “Please help me!”

He doubted for a while, but later was convinced for some times.

(It is really hard for me to convince him. He notices everything, every behaviour/ change in behavior. It is really hard to lie him. Really good observant he is, I must say!  😀 )

Anyway, he referred me to a doctor. I requested him to take an appointment for my friend. He was so generous, he did. Later, he came to know it was not my friend, but me suffering! (Either he smells things very fast or I am really bad at lying, or both.😀  )

Oh yeah!  I even went to a general physician to convince my mom that I had depression. She did not believe me, so I had to go to the physician. She heard the word DEPRESSION from the doctor’s mouth. I showed a sign of relief, but she was more worried now.

On the last Sunday of February, I went to a psychiatrist for the first time (though people used to tell me I was weird/ crazy every time I cracked a joke and needed a psychiatrist. LOL haha).

The doctor was nice and polite with me unlike to his previous patient. He gave me three medicines for a month, but I only had it for 3 days and had to stop consuming it as it caused my palpitation to go faster.

So, I stopped consuming it.

I did not want medicine, so I thought of going for the YOGA.  I thought if I did yoga every morning, I would be normal. I would be fine. Therefore, staying awake till 1 am, I downloaded some Youtube videos of Baba Ramdev doing some asanas. Then I was too lazy to wake up early morning to practice those asanas as shown in the video.

The only asana I knew was “Shavasana”, which, in my case, meant lying on the bed with a blanket wrapped around me during the chilly cold winter morning and falling asleep for a while! LOL.😀😀

Nothing was working. And, during that period, my grandmother had also been hospitalized. My mom stayed almost every night to care her and returned home every morning. This was like the daily routine which lasted for almost a month.

For around 5 days, I too stayed in the hospital and for next 5 days took rest at home. I had asked for the leave at office and they had granted me.  (Thanks for that!)

One day at office, my senior scolded me for a mistake I had not done. It was actually done by my his colleague, but I had to get scolded. I was so frustrated. I was going through so much and now this? No! I was not interested in what my boss had to say. I wanted to scream; but at the same time, I was cautious of not losing my grip—I mean not shouting back/ screaming.

 

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Then after couple of minutes, I got back to my normal routine. I was angry, but I still managed to do things.

Well, I normally do not share my problems with anyone. But I thought to share this ‘depression thing’ with one of my cousins. She narrated how her friend, she herself and some of the person whom she knew had suffered from depression. She actually wanted to help me, but I was, again, really not interested in what she had to say.

And, trust me guys, telling a depressed person “how many of your relative/ friends/ persons you know have had suffered from depression and how they coped up” really does not help. It is a big no-no to tell something like this to a depressed person. If you are reading this, do not ever say this to a depressed person—HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS/PEOPLE YOU KNOW HAD DEPRESSION AND HOW THEY MANAGED TO ESCAPE IT”, it is really annoying. [Instead, ask them what you can do to make them feel better and be by their side always]

Later after 7-8 months, I recuperated. I do not know how, but I said to myself, ”THIS IS IT.”  No more suffering, no more pain. Better things are coming my way, and even if not, I will make everything better happen. I felt good, I felt better. I made Dubsmash videos, which gave me immense happiness.  And then, this “grandmother” thing happened. Maybe that also helped me stick to my positive thinking.

Think Positive

Soon, this phase passed. I was even happier, even more excited, more positive about life, love, and everything that came my way.  I became more confident. I believed in myself and could overcome this thing called DEPRESSION.

You may think this is the end. But, no honey, this is a new beginning, a new life, a new hope… LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. Work hard, dream big, achieve it…

I know you will not believe that you can, but life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows. This 22-year-old me is saying this to you! So, honey, go and achieve your dreams because life is too short to be sad about.

DEPRESSION has helped me rediscover myself.

A more confident, stronger and more positive person I have become. A person full of life and full of love.

I have bigger dreams, bigger challenges, and an urge, and a will to achieve all those things I ever dreamt of… I will have to work hard to achieve it and I will.

RE-discover yourself.

Overlook the negatives and focus on the positives. Change that negative into positive energy/vibe and conquer the WHOLE world!

YES YOU CAN!

Cheers!  Believe in yourself and conquer the world.

{This is a part of my other blog post }